I've noticed that most of my friends and most of the internet all have the same likes and dislikes with
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. A lot of reviews site the same disappointments and the same triumphs. I feel like I wouldn't really add much to the conversation if I wrote a review, so, instead, I'll offer my Six alternative versions of
Episode VII for your entertainment.
[SPOILER ALERT] I will mention specific events from
Episode VII.
For Better
1) Kill Po Dameron. Not because I disliked his character or anything. But imagine how ballsy it would've been if they killed him off in the TIE Fighter crash at the beginning? A main character dead out the gate. That sets the precedent for the rest of the film. Anyone can die; no one is safe. The stakes would've been so high, and it would've made the whole movie more intense.
2) Remember when we gave George Lucas shit for having the finale of
Jedi be a bigger Death Star? Let's be honest,
Force Awakens would have been SO much better without Starkiller Base. Look at what the alternate script could've been:
The open crawl starts with "Luke Skywalker has vanished." There. That's what the movie's about. It starts off that way. As it is, the movie sets up to be a huge story about searching for Luke. If that had been the main focus of the movie, we would've gotten a nice, character-driven adventure that would've been a very personal story. Something akin to what made us love
Mad Max: Fury Road,
Jurassic World, and another movie I really liked. . . what was the name of it. . . oh yeah
The Empire Strikes Back. When the stakes aren't the end of the world, just the main characters' lives, it makes for a more intense, emotional story. It's personal, and it draws us in.
This idea would probably have slowed down some of the parts that felt very rushed and forced. Like everything with Maz Kanata. She's one of only two new characters I disliked. I felt like her quirkiness and wisdom was really forced on me. Like Disney said, "Hey, you like weird quirky, strong women. Eat this shit up you assholes." It felt to me as forced as all the
A New Hope throwbacks where Disney just screamed, "This is
Star Wars! You love it, right? Right? Please love us." I really like Rey's Force-vision at Maz's bar. I like a lot of ideas from Maz's bar, but it's all so rushed and out of nowhere. I'm sorry, but the execution of the Maz Kanata scenes bothered me so much, almost more than any other disappointment with the movie, which is saying a lot. There are a lot of emotional beats that happen here that don't have nearly as much impact as they should because they don't get any breathing time. The whole sequence is rushed (much like the movie as a whole). And why? Why do movies do this these days? Do they assume everyone in the audience has ADD? Even if they do, it doesn't mean they'll dislike a properly-paced movie.
3) If we have to keep Starkiller Base, here's how it should've ended. Remember how the Resistance is like, "We fly inside, blow it up, and go home. Easy. We've done it before." How great would it have been if they had been all cocky about it, and then they failed? Like miserably. Ending the movie on a low-point like that would've set the tension so high for
Episode VIII. They even had the perfect moment for it. Here enters most disappointing new character number 2: Captain Phasma.
Imagine a movie where Captain Phasma isn't a complete push-over (I mean, she's played by Brienne of freaking Tarth for crying out loud!). What if instead of deactivating the shields when she's under Han and Finn's guns she activates an alarm instead, and says something cool and cold like, "I'm no traitor." And that's what causes the Resistance to lose their attack. How great would that have been?
For Worse
Before
Episode VII came out, I was thinking to myself, "What's the worst way they could tie-in the prequels. And I came up with this:
4) The First Order develops a virus that can kill midichlorians. Without the midichlorians, the Jedi and the Sith can no longer feel the Force. Chaos ensues. The Jedi and Sith are forced to team up to stop the midichlorophage.
For Fun
5) Post Credits Scene:
Rey and Finn walk onto the
Falcon.
Rey: "Chewie." *no response* "Chewie?"
The lights are dark; there's evidence someone else has been here. A man sits in a chair in the shadows.
Mysterious Man: "You think Luke's the only Jedi in the galaxy, Rey? You've become part of a bigger universe. You just don't know it yet."
Finn: "Who the hell are you?"
The man steps forward, missing an arm. We see his face as he enters the light: "Mace Windu. I'm here to talk to you about the Jedi Initiative."
6) Instead of hauling rathtars, Han is hauling an ancient Sith artifact that the First Order is trying to acquire (Supreme Leader Snoke is a nut on the subject; he's obsessed with the occult!). It culminates in Han, Rey, and Finn being captured and present at a ritual ceremony where Kylo Ren will open said artifact (along with General Hux and Captain Phasma) to make sure it's authentic before delivering it to Snoke.
Kylo Ren: "It's beautiful!"
Finn: "Don't look at it, Rey! Close your eyes!" *looks at Han, who has his eyes shut tight* "Right, Solo? We should keep our eyes closed?"
Han just shrugs, eyes still closed. Finn and Rey close their eyes.
Force ghosts of ancient Sith come out of the artifact and start shocking everyone with lightning. Captain Phasma's helmet and face melt. General Hux's head shrivels up. Kylo Ren's head explodes.
***Later***
Han, Finn, and Rey are seated across the table from Admiral Akbar, Luke, and Leia.
Han: "It's an artifact of terrible power, and it needs to be researched."
Admiral Akbar: "And it will be, we assure you, Captain Solo."
Luke: "We have top men working on it right now."
Finn: "Who?"
Leia: "Top. Men."
***Cut to***
R2-D2 and C-3P0 put the artifact in a crate and store it in a warehouse full of identical crates.
THE END.
